We needed this
Heroes aren’t always the ones who win. They’re the ones who lose, sometimes. But they keep fighting, they keep coming back. They don’t give up. That’s what makes them heroes.
Cassandra Clare, Lady Midnight
10:49: Next day, one of my nurses smuggled in a snowball for me.
10:53: She brought it in to the unit.10:56: I cannot tell you the rapture I felt holding that in my hand,11:02: and the coldness dripping onto my burning skin;11:05: the miracle of it all,11:07: the fascination as I watched it melt and turn into water.11:15: In that moment,11:17: just being any part of this planet in this universe mattered more to me11:21: than whether I lived or died.11:24: That little snowball packed all the inspiration I needed
11:27: to both try to live and be OK if I did not.
12:49: We know, for example, from research
12:51: what’s most important to people who are closer to death:12:54: comfort; feeling unburdened and unburdening to those they love;13:01: existential peace; and a sense of wonderment and spirituality.13:08: Over Zen Hospice’s nearly 30 years,13:12: we’ve learned much more from our residents in subtle detail.13:17: Little things aren’t so little.13:21: Take Janette.13:22: She finds it harder to breathe one day to the next due to ALS.13:26: Well, guess what?13:28: She wants to start smoking again —13:31: and French cigarettes, if you please.13:36: Not out of some self-destructive bent,13:39: but to feel her lungs filled while she has them.13:44: Priorities change.13:47: Or Kate — she just wants to know13:50: her dog Austin is lying at the foot of her bed,13:54: his cold muzzle against her dry skin,13:57: instead of more chemotherapy coursing through her veins —14:00: she’s done that.14:02: Sensuous, aesthetic gratification, where in a moment, in an instant,
14:07: we are rewarded for just being.
Sometimes, it takes alot just to be.
18:00 “We can design towards it. Parts of me died early on, and that’s something we can all say one way or another. I got to redesign my life around this fact, and I tell you it has been a liberation to realize you can always find a shock of beauty or meaning in what life you have left, like that snowball lasting for a perfect moment, all the while melting away. If we love such moments ferociously, then maybe we can learn to live well — not in spite of death, but because of it. Let death be what takes us, not lack of imagination. “
Reading the comment section in the second video, and thinking about my thoughts that came to me when I cried watching the video, I realised that I don’t really want to kill myself (at least now), it’s just that the pain is too much. Can I bear that pain? Can I live with it? Yes. Will it affect my life? Absolutely! The question is, can I live with the pain and the consequences of the pain. Absolutely yes!
I googled a list of famous people who committed suicide before, and I gotta say that I might commit suicide, but that day is not today.
Hannibal Barca died at 30, but not before doing some deeds that men will speak of in time to come (quote is actually from the Iliad when Hector realises he must duel Achilles alone).
I realise that I’m afraid of what I can become if I follow my heart’s desires.
I realise that trying to find my own freedom is making me lonely and feel anxiety. Despite the actual physical pain, I should move ahead with finding my freedom.
Sometimes I feel like giving up, I feel like committing suicide, I’m tired of living; Perhaps this is because I’m afraid of facing my potentialities and my dreams?
My dreams and potentialities are filled with great risks; death, aloneness, and perhaps I am afraid that they are not what I want or that I will fail, or that I will be hated
Is the greatest thing that can be achieved by man to do what he wants to do? I suppose so. But not without learning. Learning philosophy. I guess these are my virtues. Attaining these virtues come with loneliness, despair and wanting to distract myself. I actually like some of the distractions: Video games, the occasional shows, art, music, bunnies, social media, people, career etc…
I feel like my loneliness comes with lack of connections with people but really I can’t do anything about it; one of my best friends has stopped talking to me now for about 3 weeks already. I can only guess what happened…
It comes with tremendous amounts of pain but I have the feeling that my loneliness will be there with her or with someone else that I’m trying to be with.
I realised that loneliness will always be there, but sometimes it’s just too much. I always think of one of my friends whose there for me, but I don’t want to be a burden…
I am sure philosophers have talked about this, and I know I am valuable, worthy blah blah…
but I’m not OK. I have so many things seeking my attention that I don’t know where to start. Living itself demands attention. Yes I know people will say that stop watching videos, stop social media, stop video games…This is not hard for me to do. Go out meet new ppl, read, exercise, get a hobby, draw, learn a new skill, watch porn, masturbate… All this I’ve heard, I’ve done and I’ve experienced
I’ve done all this, and yet I want to end my life. I feel like I’ve done far more than I can do. I’ve achieved what I set out to do a year ago.
I cannot do everything I want because there are constraints; I will only make my situation worse if I don’t take mind of those constraints. For e.g. if I can’t disregard my family’s wishes all the time, I can’t not do my routine exercises, I can’t not play video games, I can’t not read, I can’t not draw, I can’t not go out, I can’t not ask people to go out with me.
Some people have asked me why I do some of what I do above.
I know I can be alone. And yet I’m lonely. I know that people like me, I know that they want to go out with me; In fact, I am mostly sure of myself.
I just feel like having company sometimes while trying to figure out myself after breaking from religion (about the time of this post it’s 3 years ago). There are so many things to figure out, I just want to have company sometimes.
But yet I feel like some of my friends don’t like me or disregard what I do. Maybe it’s just a few, I actually don’t know what I’m writing with this. Maybe it’s just one friend who stopped talking to me. It’s OK she did that, but to do that suddenly was painful without any indication was painful.
But I can’t do anything about that
It’s funny how I write painful, even though at moments it was way more than painful. I felt betrayed, confused, violated, angry and many more things. We look back and we disregard what we go thru, maybe that’s why I’m so miserable.
It’s also funny that I write I’m miserable, because I don’t see any problems or misery…
The randomness of life is laughable…
I told someone 6 months ago that “Ever since I stopped believing in god my life has been painful.” That’s funny because I also feel free. Freedom comes with a price. I want to know the truth about things, that is the most important thing to me.
Sometimes it feels like the price is too much to pay; I feel like nothing good will come out of life and to end it all now…end all experiences…I feel it very much now..
I just glanced at the title of my blog, and it says “I must know, now”. Perhaps the desire for immediate knowledge is the greatest detriment to me???